Trust Over Self Reliant Fuss

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A Maddy happier than her usual happy self. 

I'll try to keep this short -I am not feeling particularly inspired to pen something immensely revelatory at this hour after a Calculus midterm and Chinese test. 

Ah. Calculus midterm. Absolutely dreaded. You hear that from every kid who isn't destined to be an engineer, but I feel the need to explain just how terrified I was of this exam. Absolutely, postively, quaking in my fabulous Franco Sarto boots, TERRIFIED. The stress I have given into with this class is not healthy at all, and I'm quite aware. I believe in trusting God in all circumstances and rebuking fear, stress, worry, and anxiety, but I will be the first to tell you -easier said than done. Yesterday, the eve of the day I was fighting the notion of thinking I was absolutely doomed and my GPA forever destroyed, I was on the verge of a crazy breakdown. I'm honestly the strongest person that I know besides my mother. I've been through a lot of stuff in 18 years, but quite frankly, all of those things were easier for me to deal with than this Calculus midterm. I have always depended on myself, MY brain, MY abilities, MY dedication, MY determination, to attain success. So yesterday, I came to the full realization that this is the one class that I cannot depend on myself for. The one thing I can't ensure success in. The one area of my life that no matter how hard I try, at the end of the day I am still on my knees crying for God to help me. The one thing that truly strips me of any self reliance and throws me in the middle of a valley that I can't climb my way out of. 

And my goodness, constant dependence on myself is utterly exhausting and stressful. (Because God didn't make us to be stressed and burdened with the act of relying on ourselves to make things happen!)

And of course, all of this is not an accident. God spoke to me this morning as I was resisting the biological urge to commence hyperventilation, and reminded me of what He said in Joshua. He clearly told me "I have told you not to fear. I am with you. You are in this situation because I desire to mold your character into Mine, because you must learn to trust Me." And all of a sudden, the struggle ceased. My head knowledge of the situation morphed into heart knowledge, into "rhema." Trust is an instrumental part of having a deep relationship with someone. Without a blind trust, a relationship remains shallow and on "acquaintance" terms. I have told God that I desire to have a deeper relationship with Him. I'm simply getting what I've prayed for. 

This silly Calculus midterm that truly felt like a personal Goliath was the perfect opportunity to tell the voice of the enemy to shut up and to fix my eyes, heart, and mind upon my Dad Who assured me that I have nothing to fear when I live a life in pursuit of Him. And what did I do? I did it! So okay, yes it was hard and it took me a long time to finally shut up and trust Him, but regardless, I decided to trust Him. Walking into that classroom as the teacher opened the door and literally said "Enter my house of horror" and actually had kleenex sitting on the table in case we couldn't control our tears, I took a deep breath and took that Calculus test. And took it well. God definitely took that test for me. He totally caught me when I felt like I was falling a million miles an hour through the air, and He used my most sensitive area, academics, to bring me to my knees and truly reach the point of having no where to look but up. And I was NOT let down! 

Long story short, this is all a journey. I'm in the process of learning how to trust Him. For some people that ability comes easily, but I was terribly hurt and scarred from past experiences. It wasn't overnight that we developed trust issues or whatever problems we have, so the process of undoing these issues isn't always overnight either. As long as we are willing and desire God to shape us, to cleanse us and continually establish Himself in us, we are golden.

So, my Calculus midterm officially got owned by the Creator of the universe, and my Franco Sarto boots are no longer quaking. Both YOU and I can rest in knowing that God holds our world in the palm of His hands and that He can freely move in our lives when we give Him free reign.

My hot chocolate is no longer existent, but my desire for sleep is! Goodnight! (This didn't turn out to be a short blog after all :P )